BLACK FRIDAY, SILVER LINING

posted by: Jacob Halajian

This Friday, today, the Gods above will extend a hand to those in need. The "super" stores are waiting for your dollars, your pennies. In return, you will receive the pleasure of feeling rich, at an affordable rate. If you spend your vacation in line at Best Buy instead of with your family, your kids, your turkey, a $3 flat-screen TV awaits you. That way, you can continue to ignore your wife, save for when she beckons you to the dinner table. You will return from work, every day, and think, "Fuck, I'm exhausted." And then you will plop your ass into the couch you bought with last year's savings and plug yourself in, until it's time to wake up and clock back in.

Who doesn't love a good sale? We will kill for a good sale. We want the best deals. We want it all. And we don't have to feel guilty, because the name of the game is Black Friday. We've done enough giving, God dammit - it's time to GET. We want nice things. We want average things. We want useless things. But we want them cheap.

And now, I'd like to say a toast: Thank you, Target, for that $25 Blu-Ray player; my DVD player is so last century it's killing me. Thank you, Wal-Mart, for the $15 navigation device; so that I don't have to sacrifice making phone calls on my smart phone while I drive to the mall. Thank you, Bloomingdale's, for the expensive shoes that were once much more expensive. Thank you all retail warehouses that will trick me into thinking I need more things, only because they are cheap. Thank you for keeping my anxiety levels at an all-time-high. Thank you for letting me know that it's never enough.

Here's to you, for opening your doors to me at midnight and watching me make a fool of myself as I fight over a gigantic outdoor barbecue with a mother of three. Heres to you, for letting my good side shine. Cheers, for making me happy, even if for just a few days - until the next great advancement in technology comes out. Until the newest season's fashion fills in the holes I emptied.

Our philosophy, at Guilty, is that sometimes, you have to indulge. Sometimes, you have to be self-absorbed, tactless and good-looking. But sometimes, it feels good just being. It feels good driving down the highway aimlessly. It feels good going to the park and smoking a cigarette. We shouldn't feel like we want something all the time. Once in a while, everything just feels right. Things are in place. The world is in motion, and you're riding a wave of pure joy. That is, until Nordstrom announces their new price slashes.